Dave Rotheray compiles his top 10 utterances, routinely used by BIG IDIOTS since time immemorial

1. "You've got to give 101%"
   Or 110% or 200%. You can't do this because 100% is, by definition, the most that one can possibly give. Big idiot!
2. "Let's talk it over" Talking never helps, in my experience. This approach to life has exploded in popularity ever since the Oprah Winfrey therapy culture hit these shores. We'll never really understand each other until the bods in white coats come up with a telepathic machine (probably using special lasers).
3. "Winners don't use drugs" Patently untrue, or they wouldn't bother drug testing the winner after a race. Personally, I have greater respect for athletes who do use drugs - they're risking their health and their livelihood in order to win.
4. "Drink yourself sober" I know what you mean (I've been there), but just think about it - drink making you sober? More likely is that as you get more drunk and tired you drink more slowly. When you're taking in alcohol more slowly than your body eliminates it, you sober up, even though you're still drinking. See? Drunken idiot!
5. "I don't believe in God, but I do believe in some special force ..." Usually uttered by ham actors or burned-out rock stars. If there's one thing dafter than believing in a God it's not even being able to choose which one. Might as well just believe in Mother Theresa's arse-cheeks.
6. "... and the ball picks up speed as it reaches the outfield" Cricket commentary. This would only be possible if the field slopes downwards. Nothing can accelerate without a force being applied. Stupid idiots!
7. "Now wash your hands" As seen near men's urinals. In fact, your hands (constantly exposed and used) are the dirtiest parts of your body. Your privets (scrupulously washed, constantly wrapped up, generally pampered), possibly the cleanest. So really you should wash your privets (because they've been near your hands!)
   PS Not applicable to number two's or lasses.
8. "You could be run over by a bus tomorrow" Usually used to justify a trivial, but risky course of action, like drinking or smoking. I hardly think my last thought on being crushed by a No. 36 would be 'well, at least I had a cig last night'. Or, on having my liver collapse, 'well, I've cheated the bus for all these years'.
9. "There are only three songs and The Beatles wrote them all" No. Even a single instrument playing one note per second for only eight seconds yields at least a hundred thousand million possible tunes. More than even the prolific Fab Four managed. Only one way they'll get that group back together - three bullets!
10. "... and the rest, as they say, is history" No 'they' don't. Everybody now says 'the rest as they say is history'. So, if you want to quote 'them', you should say 'as they say, the rest, as they say, is history'. Alternatively, don't bother. Big idiots!

"Love needs a transfusion / let's shoot it full of wine / Fishing for a good time / starts with throwing in your line"

Recipe

'Preparing for Old Age'
20 minutes into FP.I with your number one lover, stop. Run a really hot bath with loads of bubbles, drop one and lie there drinking whisky with ice. Rock gently back and forth, as if confined in a Victorian asylum. When the whisky and the bath reach the same temperature, go bath upstairs and finish the job.
PS Keep a spare bottle and some hot water, just in case she's not still there.

Favourite Place

Natural History Museum, London - photo showing the famous Diplodocus skeleton