Paul Heaton's top 10 ways to pass a pub without entering

1. Keep your head down.
2. Remember the time you drank until you were sick
3. Do not think of the times you spent alone.
4. Do not think fo the meaningless hours you spent masturbating over someone who left you years before.
5. Do not think fo the desperate love you lost.
6. Do not think of the lively pub conversation compared to the dullness of your own.
7. Just walk on! With hope in your heart, walk on . . . !

Ten? There never could be!

Favourite Place

The road from Alcaniz to Teruel (Spain). In fact, most of Aragon for the pounds and pounds of vultures that roam the skies. A hot August day, stood mountain high, with Griffon vultures circling you up above.

Recipe

Take Paul McCartney out for a quiet drink, preferably in a small village pub (where he won't get pestered). Chat charmingly to him all evening. When he gets pissed, take him to the toilet and pull his trousers down. Take a visibly sharp machete out of your pocket and chop his pecker off (at root).
Run back to house (preferably quick) and put said pecker into microwave for 2 minutes. Then put in oven at Gas Mark 8 and leave overnight. In the morning go for business meeting (with Tesco's) and sell the idea.
Soon your product will be selling millions to a bunch of jumped-up, pissed-up idiots who are too arrogant to know the difference between McCartney sausages and Sebastian Coe's Roast Cabinet.

Favourite Celebrity

Beavis. For that snigger, the yap! yap! and the loveable lisp. But most of all, for the years of unwarranted abuse from that butt-munch, Butthead.