Sean Welch's top 10 cakes

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  1. Vanilla Slice A classic - beware leathery custard
  2. Meringue Enormous sugar ear muffs - made of air
  3. Cream Horn Cornetto cake - do not blow
  4. Pancake Super-flat dessert - insultingly titled crepe by the envious French
  5. Cheesecake Nightmarishly named. Triumph of good over evil.
  6. Do-nuts Note thicko spelling in tribute to the US genius for new toppings
  7. Scone Pronounced like stone, unless you're Prince Edward. Heap on jam and cream to avoid Sahara-mouth (and shit taste)
  8. Chocolate Eclair Frankly over-rated phallic cake. Often mistakenly made with shoe pastry
  9. Jam Tart Simple. Under-rated. Frequently humiliated when sold in packs to resemble traffic lights
  10. Flapjack Obviously a joke item. This moulded muesli mockery is a rainbow alliance "cake" - ban it from the bakery

Celebrity Quote "How many of us have not at one time or another felt an ice-cold hand on the back of our neck while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have)." Woody Allen, examining psychic phenomena.

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