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In the summer 1989 holidays there was a school trip to "Quest" in Devon, where we absailed, orienteered and all that. I windsurfed on the beach. One of the instructors dipped his walking stick in dog poo and used the end to help people up steep climbs. I fell headfirst in a cow pat. The Jukebox had Jive Bunny's "Swing The Mood" on it (it was number 1 a week later). And a girl called Sarah asked me to dance. I later found out that she fancied me.

I appeared a a drama production of the Bros. song "I Owe You Nothing" I was the drummer, Ross Perkins played my inflatable guitar. I still haven't got it back.

By the time I started school again in September 1989 I knew that I was moving to Salisbury, Wiltshire. I told all my friends I was leaving (including my form teacher, who was nice) but 'forgot' to tell anyone else. So on the week I was leaving, all my friends bought me presents (ah). But best of all I knew I would never get my exercise books back again. So instead of answering questions, and doing work, in my last week I simply wrote "I don't Care" and similar. Rebel!

So off to Alderbury, Salisbury, Wilts. And off to Downton Secondary School. I had looked at the all boy (boo) Highgate school, but decided that Downton was better. For a start I wasn't likely to get beaten up for liking cookery. It was a shame I had to leave Effingham so soon after making loads of good friends, but there you go. So began my Secondary education in full. Lots of spelling tests, little cookery (they wouldn't let me do it because I was a boy!) Lots of talk of Airplane! with Graeme, wearing of 2 ties simultaneously. I made a toy Mars bar in craft. I got in trouble for things I actually didn't do, but owned up to (the power of Mr. Gibbons!). We used to taunt our Games instructor, singing rude songs. We occasionally had spot checks to see if anyone had fags on them. I remember everyone used to hide them down their pants. And John "0/10" "Do It Again" Hames.

What was good? The dry skiing, the "Introduction to Industry" courses at college on Fridays (plug it out, everything in the garden is rosy), and Lucy Goldfinch's breasts. In the end, after years of helping everyone else write better English stories than me, years of measuring trees and bouncing balls in Maths. What did I get? 2 C's, a D, and an E. What wasn't good? The smelly goats, Mr. Hames the science teacher, getting caught shoplifting, and not getting Lucy Goldfinch's breasts.

After we had finished, a load of us went of to Italy for a school holiday with some teachers, it was the first time I'd drunk beer, and the worst pasta I've ever had. Nice ice cream though. I got accused of shop lifting (I hadn't) and someone got his stomach pumped. We had a drugs raid by the local police.

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